don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
