I haven't been this sober since birth.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
