So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
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Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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