my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
