Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
