I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
