Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
