I hate your face
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Let the clothes fall where they may.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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