drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
