Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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