if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
