i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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