My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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