I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
