tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
