roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
