i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
