Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I wish there were birth control emojis
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
