I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
