Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
