please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
