Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Your cock deserves a montage
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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