why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
