my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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