the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
