i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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