battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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