took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
