the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
