Kiss
Puke
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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