If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
