Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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