I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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