Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
