$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
