We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
