Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
