I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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