you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
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so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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