Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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