1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
