I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
