the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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