just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
