Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
