goodnight i made you a song goodbye
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
