You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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