Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
