They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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