my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
