dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
