between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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