I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
