hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
