Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
