I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
