The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize