the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
